It has been ten years since I left my work at the television station. As I reflected upon my upbringing everything seemed to be in good order. Although I did not come from a wealthy family, I did not experience poverty. After school was completed I was admitted to an acting training course at the television station. It was where I met my first boyfriend. After completing the training course both of us signed up contracts with the television station. It was only a few years before I moved up in my career ladder. Later I married my boyfriend and we had three children. In the eyes of many I was probably just a lady who was lucky. When I was filming for the television dramas, I took up the strong and courageous role of a powerful woman and policewoman. But in reality, I was an individual who was fearful of suffering and death. In July 2003, when my youngest son reached his third birthday, he exhibited continuous low-temperature fever. After examinations by the doctors, my youngest son was diagnosed with blood cancer and this news was devastating. I continued to ask God why such things would happen. At the same time, I found a church friend and we prayed for my youngest son, hoping that God would enable him to recover quickly. After one week being admitted into the hospital, the doctor said his cancerous cells were severe and his condition was considered to be "extremely critical". The doctors wanted to administer chemotherapy. It was postponed because of his health conditions. When my son was about to go through chemotherapy, he unfortunately contracted measles and needed to be transferred to a separate ward. I continually asked the Lord the reasons for such an experience. It seemed the bad experiences never ended. He also needed to take in some medicine through injection which brought severe pains to him. He needed to inject six to seven times everyday with each injection lasting for an hour. It was difficult for a parent to hear such painful cries. A few days later, he was contracted with a fever. The doctor prescribed another antibiotic that could bring harm to his liver. This was the only means to preserve his life. One nightmare after another almost led me to a collapse. I remembered that day the sun was shining brightly outside the ward, and yet my heart was filled with anger. I looked up to the sky and accused God in a loud and angry voice: "What kind of God are you? The God I know from the Bible is the Creator of heaven and earth, who is all-knowing and all-powerful. Why is your heart as cold as stone to stand the suffering of my son? I must know if You are loving or not. If not, then I would not believe you again." After 10 and more seconds, an image of a cross appeared surfaced in my mind. My response was: "So what with the cross?" Gradually I began to see the image of Jesus hanging on the cross. I asked why Jesus needed to be crucified on the cross. He is the son of God and is seated high and above. Why did He choose to become a man? He was brought up as a child and in the end he took the road of suffering upon Himself. Why was He crucified on the cross? Jesus wanted to bear the burdens of our sins through such suffering. A biblical verse appeared in my mind: "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Ro. 5:8) I found the answer at last! If Jesus did not love us, He would not have suffered for us. I lowered my head and looked at my son. Although I did not know why he suffered, I knew I was not fighting alone. Jesus has experienced our pains and He understands how painful it was to a mother in this ordeal. I knew that I could pray to Him because He understood me.

God led and helped me during those difficult times through the people who were close to me. These were my nine-year-old and five-year-old sons. My younger son was not easy to deal with. He had a lot of fears in his heart. Every time when people walk near him, whether to take his temperature or examine him, he cried aloud and was unable to quiet down. Other children were able to stay calm after staying three weeks at the hospital; however, he still cried even after staying at the hospital for three months. On one occasion, my son experienced some skin issues and the doctor prescribed some skin cream for him to use as medicine three times a day. This was proven to be a difficult task because he was just not cooperative, and even the daily routines such as teeth-brushing, taking showers and taking his medicine all became arduous tasks. One evening about 10:30pm I took the cream to him. When he saw the cream he burst into cries again and ran around everywhere. I was fatigue to the point of collapse. I took his hand and hit it a few times. He became more uncontrolled and started to roll on the ground and scream at the top of his lungs. At that time, my elder son walked toward me and told me to stop hitting my younger son. He said that I would just worsen his condition. I felt ashamed at my inadequacy as a mother. I went back to my room and my heart was filled with weaknesses. I wanted to give up but suddenly my elder son came knocking at my door and told me not to give up. He said he had just prayed for his brother. I was moved and I hugged him and we prayed together. I told him to return to his room and rest. I took up the courage and looked for my younger son. To my surprise he walked toward me and allowed me to put cream on him without any disruption from him. My elder son reminded me to "pray in everything", because this was truly beyond my ability. I firmly grasped this truth and walked with my younger son in this battle against blood cancer.

My second son tried to imitate his elder brother. On one occasion, my younger son burst into cries again because of the need to put skin cream on his body. I took him into the room. After that, I walked out and saw my second son sitting on the stairs. He told me that he just prayed and asked the Heavenly Father to enable his younger brother to behave properly. In this way mother would not need to suffer that much. God reminded me to "pray in everything" even though I was forgetful. I thank God for sending different people who became my angels and strengthened me in this difficult journey.

My younger son's treatment would end in September this year. At that time we will look at the results. In the past I used to fear pains and suffering; however, I would like to thank God for allowing me to experience His presence. I firmly know that Jesus is love. He said, "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (Jn. 16:33) May everyone know Jesus and invite Him to become Your help and the strength of your life.